Setting Boundaries in a Toxic Relationship

More often than not, boundaries are and can be looked at as a negative thing, but in reality they are set up as a way to protect, keep safe, or distinguish ownership. Think about a fence. A fence is put up to draw a line between properties, to keep people from coming to your side, and to keep the people inside the fence safe. Just like boundaries, the fence isn’t bad, it’s actually good! Boundaries aren’t meant for others but rather, they are meant to protect the ones who set up the boundaries in the first place. The problem isn’t the boundaries, the problem is when others see our boundaries, disrespect them, dismiss them, and feel entitled to cross them. There is a caveat though, we can sometimes cross our own boundaries by not holding to them. If you have children, I bet this is sounding a lot like parenting! Coming from an abusive upbringing, boundaries are something that I never truly understood. The idea of setting up boundaries with others, even family members, was so foreign to me, but it was something I needed to do, have done, and will continue to do in order to protect not only my family, but my own mental, emotional, and well being.

Over the years I’ve heard over and over, “but she’s your mom”, “but they are your family”, “but they really love you”, yes all of that may be true, but what’s also true is that, just because a person loves you or is family, it does not excuse abuse in any form. Just because someone is family, does not mean they are entitled to; call you names, gaslight you or your life experiences, lie to others about you, tear you down, verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually abuse you. I have endured all of the above from multiple family members. Whether it be because of things that were said about me to them, because they think I’m lying about the abuse despite having records of proof, or because their life experiences are completely different from the life experiences I had with the individuals involved, that coming to terms with the full truth is just too much for them to accept. No matter the excuse I will not allow my boundaries to be crossed and therefore, I will continue to share my story so that others who have gone through or are going through similar circumstances will know that they are not alone!

If you’ve read my previous Blog “Silenced No More: Opening Up About Abuse“, than you know that in order to keep my sanity, I needed to set some hard but healthy boundaries for myself and my family. After the back and forth of trying to mend the broken relationship with my mother and allowing myself to fall back into the same toxic relationship and cycle of abuse, I chose to put up the hardest boundaries I’ve ever put up. That being said, I am going to share a journal entry I wrote the night of March 3rd of 2020.

When Boundaries Need to Be Set 3/3/20

Today was one of the toughest yet best decisions I’ve made in a long time. My mom and I have never had an easy relationship. It’s actually been one of the most harmful and toxic relationships I’ve ever been in. It honestly breaks my heart to even say that but the truth is, I would never allow any man, woman, or person in general to be a part of my life if I was treated or spoken to the way that I have been by her.

I have always longed for a mother daughter relationship that would stand the test of time. One where I would grow up and have a family of my own, where I could call her at any moment, and where she’d be my best friend. I fantasized about how different my life would have been if she chose me over her husband, her pills, or just herself. I cried a million times over the hurtful words, the finger pointing, the lies she told my family about me and the abuse, the blame shifting, and the lack of responsibility of her choices and actions. I cried over her choosing to protect the man who sexually abused me time and again more than I did over the abuse itself.

I’m not saying I have been perfect in this by any means. I have caused a lot of hurt as well. I was immature, chose words that I knew would bite back, made boundaries but never stuck to them, slandered, and gossiped. After I got kicked out at 19, I decided that would be the last time her husband would touch me or she would be allowed to make excuses for them ever again. I went on a mission to find my voice, to never allow myself to be silenced, or blamed for someone else’s choices. I was determined to be free and speak up for myself even if it meant going against my family, but even more so my mom. The hardest thing about that was fighting against the contrasting versions of fantasy vs. the reality of our relationship in my mind. I made a lot of mistakes.

It wasn’t until 4 years ago, when we started infertility treatments that I got serious about setting some very strict and healthy boundaries to not only protect my mental and physical wellbeing, but the wellbeing of my little family. I’m writing this entry tonight after I sought counsel over yet another hurtful text. It had been a month and a half since I heard from her after I shared that my feelings were hurt by a passive aggressive comment she made about my relationship with my aunt, then decided not to show up to my second born’s 1st birthday party without any word. Tonight, she reached out saying she wanted to move forward and that I could respond to her whenever I felt. I knew I wasn’t ready but I didn’t want that to stop her from showing up for my son’s 3rd birthday. I also didn’t want her to cause a scene or make his party about her so I responded with, “I need time to think through it all. We would love for you to come to the party and obviously his party is not the time or place to talk through anything. But when I’m ready, I will let you know.” She then responded with, “I’m sorry but this should have been handled before (my son’s) birthday. So no, we will not be attending. And I am no longer going to be swimming across oceans when you can’t even jump over a puddle for me.”

After that text I couldn’t help but mourn the relationship that I unfortunately, will never have with her. Up until then, I had been praying for God to help me see clearly what was best for my family and for my mental and emotional state, especially since we were starting fertility treatments up again. Today I believe that prayer was answered. (There are so many instances in this one day, that God was speaking to me and revealing so much clarity. I can’t wait to share that in my next blog post!)

When I think about my babies and the relationships I desire to have with them, its hard not to compare my own relationship with my mother. As I got counsel about what the next best thing would be, I was told, “the language that was used towards you is not okay and when you think about your own kids, you would swim across the ocean for them without expecting anything in return. And if they hurt your feelings then you would have a conversation with them without purposefully tearing them down.” Honestly after hearing that, I had myself a really good cry. I absolutely would cross the ocean 10x’s over if I could for my kids without any hidden agenda.

After all was said and done tonight, I pulled into my driveway and was thinking about the little girl who only ever wanted her mom to protect and choose her. Then I thought about my marriage, my own (and hopefully future) babies. I choose them! I choose not only to protect my little family, but myself, and most importantly I choose the little girl still residing in my heart, yearning for that same sense of security and safety. So, I turned off my car and typed out this text with my new boundaries as lovingly and straight forward as I could, “I’m sorry you feel that way, it’s unfortunate that you will miss out on (my son’s) birthday again. Our relationship unfortunately is not healthy for me or my family and therefore I have decided that we will see you at holidays but that is about all I can handle. It’s sad that it has come to this, however, I have opened up and shared my feelings multiple times just to be shut down and because of that, I have drawn boundaries for my own heart. I love you and I hope one day it won’t have to be the way that it is, but for now, this is my decision.” I then put my phone down and cried out to Jesus because only He knows the depths of my despair. I walked into the house, handed my phone to my husband, asked him to send it, block who needed to be blocked, and deleted my facebook, then I cried some more.

My heart is so broken and so at peace all at the same time. It is possible to love someone and still have healthy boundaries to protect yourself. The two can coexist. And just because someone is “family”, it does not mean you are obligated to take any sort of abuse or change your boundaries because they say or try to guilt you into it. I can and will break the cycle! ***END ENTRY

After that entry, we did stick to our boundary and eventually God made it clear that the best thing would be to go completely “no contact”. It has been the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my whole life. There’s just no way to describe what it’s like to mourn someone who is still alive. Since then, I’ve had a baby girl of my own, which I will share more about in my next post, and it is so surreal trying to navigate motherhood and a mother daughter relationship without having one with my own mother. The last 4 years I have been trying to heal and seek therapy so that I can break the cycle of generational dysfunction and abuse. I don’t want my kids to carry the weight of what I had to starting at the age of 3. 32 years later and I am still just trying to navigate how to love and allow myself to be loved. For me, it starts with God and asking for healing, clarity, grace, and love. After all is said and done, I still have so much love for my mom. Now, would I ever allow her to be in my kids’ lives after knowing she stood by and took part in my abusive upbringing and far too long after? Absolutely not! But do I love her while holding true to the boundaries I’ve set in place? Absolutely, yes. Again, the two can coexist. So! To those of you who need to set some boundaries of your own, you are STRONG, your are BRAVE, and you CAN do it!