A Mama Battling Infertility During COVID-19

It feels so weird saying that I’m a mom and I’m battling infertility, but that’s the reality of it. I did not easily come by the name “Mama”, although I wish that could be the case. My husband, Jacob, and I fought hard to get pregnant with our first. With our second, we were on our way to start the treatments again, chose to hold off due to the cost, then surprisingly got pregnant on minimal intervention! This third time around has proven to be more difficult. It almost feels like the first time. The biggest difference being that I already bear the title Mama to two littles.

I always dreamt of having a big family. It never occurred to me that having that dream become a reality would be more difficult than I ever could have anticipated. It’s crazy to me that I have put so much pressure on myself to just “be ok” this time around because we already have two. I shied away from being open about our journey because I was afraid people wouldn’t be understanding, that I would come across as ungrateful, and hear comments like “you already have two so why do you want more?” or “you should be grateful that you even have kids, some people don’t even have one!” To be honest, people have actually said just that. But the reality is, I love my boys so much and I want them to have more forever best friends, more siblings that they can grow up with, and more people that they know will love them unconditionally! When Jacob and I leave this earth, the only people who will know what life was like with us, to fully know us, and to have shared memories of our adventures, family nights, and experiences, will be their siblings! And I want that for my boys and God willing, future kiddos.

I’m not gonna lie, not being able to get pregnant easily, sucks! It hurts. I was so sure it would be easier this time around because we got pregnant 2 months after I fully weaned our firstborn, Carter. Liam, our second, has been fully weaned since October of 2019. That was 6 months ago.

Ok, brace yourself because here comes a boat load of info!

I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), which basically means that I have a ton of cysts on my ovaries. I have all of these tiny follicles that never fully mature and therefore I do not, or rarely ovulate, making it almost impossible to conceive. In the past 6 months, I have only had 2 natural cycles. In other words, I only ovulated 2 times, whereas I should have ovulated 6. That gives me a 1/3 chance of getting pregnant, not to mention, my doctors told me that any normal couple is given about a 20% chance of getting pregnant in one month. Since my hormones are completely imbalanced and I do not ovulate, obviously that means my chances are even lower. I was told that the treatments I’d be undergoing was only going to help me get to that normal 20% range of possibly getting pregnant. Talk about pressure!

The cost of treatments can be outrageous and honestly, the thought of going through it all over again is scary. But this is where we are for the 3rd time in our journey. We originally decided to continue to try naturally but ultimately realized we needed to seek extra help. My doctor wanted my cycle to start on its own but after 60 days of Aunt Flow remaining out of sight, she decided to jump start it so we could get the ball rolling.

Before she felt good about prescribing any of the fertility meds, my OB asked that we get Jacob rechecked and that we plan for me to have an HSG Test (Hysterosalpingogram), for blocked tubes. Basically they would jump start my period and on day 3, she wanted me to come in for an internal ultrasound to check my uterine lining and then push saline through my tubes to make sure there is no blockage. Since I haven’t had one done previously, she said it would be pointless to stimulate the ovaries if we didn’t even know whether the eggs had somewhere to go.

I was prescribed Provera, or progesterone, to jump start my cycle on March 10th and good ole Flow showed up just in time for COVID-19 Shelter in Place to take effect. That being said, the infertility community took a huge hit and all cycles were cancelled. It was such a devastating yet understandable conversation to have. 

On one hand I completely get why it was necessary but on the other, I was grieving what felt like a failed cycle. I was originally on board with waiting for my cycle to start on its own, but after we jump started it without starting treatments, we set my body back to square one with no start date in sight. 

It’s not a fun place to be and honestly I feel as though I’m still grieving this cycle. It comes and goes in waves. I will be fine one moment but then get hit with a rush of anxiety. The anxiety of “what if”. What if this was our last chance to grow our family? What if they just decided for us that our family is complete? What if the “emergent patients only” policy doesn’t get lifted? What if he is our last baby?

One thing I continually say to my 3 year old is, “it’s ok to feel sad but it is not ok to throw a fit”. Sometime as adults I think throwing a fit can be replaced with something different. For me, I am reminding myself that it’s ok to be sad but it is not ok to be overcome with the anxieties of what if.

I’m ready for whatever is to come. I trust that God will see us through all of this like He has everything else in our lives. I’m anxious and nervous to start from scratch and to once again document the process, but if our story can bring even the slightest bit of hope to other Mamas in waiting, than I am all for openness and vulnerability! So here’s to the beginning of our journey to Baby #3, whenever that may be! Cue wine glass clinks because Lord knows this girl is sipping a glass as we wait! (And by glass I mean, like a sip because after 4 years of nursing or being preggers or on fertility meds, this Mama can’t hang.. ya feel me?!) 

To the infertility community whose cycle was also cancelled along with mine. I see you and I’m praying for you during this difficult time.