Infertility: The Hurtful Things People Say

Well intentioned or not, I have found that there are some pretty hurtful things that have been said throughout our infertility journey. I really wanted to write a post mostly to bring awareness to those who know someone who is, for lack of a better word, struggling through infertility, so that we can change our language to better uplift those in our lives who so desperately want to grow their family.

Three of the most hurtful things that have been and are still said throughout our journey is, “You just need to stop stressing and then it will happen” the second is, “It will happen, you just need to be patient”, and finally, the third, “You just need to have faith”. Now to someone who has never had their body fail them over and over again, those words may not seem harmful, but let me tell you why they are.

“You just need to stop stressing and THEN it will happen.” What I hear is “it’s your fault because you are stressed out! Just stop, once you do that, you’ll have your baby” But how do you not have stress when your body is hormonally imbalanced? How do you not stress or not think about it when, if you’re in the thick of fertility treatments like we are, are administering shots into your own body EVERY, SINGLE, DAY!, making sure you take just the right meds at just the right time, going in for weekly sometimes daily ultrasounds to track your progress just to be told the meds didn’t work correctly so now we have to up your dosage, then triggering your body to do what it should naturally do on it’s own, just to wait two weeks to be told that NOPE, yet again, another month has gone by that you have to take a pregnancy test with only 1 line! Then wait for your dear old Aunt Flow to show her face, even though she has been no friend of yours throughout this entire journey!

“It will happen, you just need to be patient”. When I have heard those words, it has taken everything in me, to step back, breathe, and remind myself that unless you’ve gone through infertility, you just don’t see the harm in saying that to someone who has or is going through it. The harm in saying that is, you don’t know that it will happen. There is no guarantee that when those words are said, that they are true. It actually may NEVER happen, now granted for us it did, however, for those that it didn’t happen for, those words are empty promises that may never be filled. They are more hurtful, damaging, and discouraging. When you add on “you just need to be patient”. It’s almost like a slap to the face, because friend.. we are being patient. We patiently watch all our friends get their BFP, have their baby showers, grow their bellies, all while waiting for our turn. We are patiently waiting to experience what normal couples so easily take for granted. We are impatiently patient my friends.

“You just need to have faith”. Man oh man, these words have cut me to the depths of my heart. To hear those words is to hear someone telling me that I am being faithless, assuming that I lack the existence of faith. Now I will say, I had doubts. I wrestled with God so hard before we became pregnant with our first. I spent more time on my hands and knees begging, pleading, and crying out to God than I had in a very long time! To say “just have faith”, is such a blanket statement and the truth is, I did and do have faith. I had faith that whether I had a baby biologically or not, God was and is still good. I had faith that whether or not I was able to carry a child, God’s plan was bigger and better than my own. Did it hurt like hell? You bet your tush it did and still does! Did I want to give up and question whether God’s plan was for me to be a mother in the way that I desire? Sure! But did those doubts and questions lack faith? Absolutely not!

I know that a lot of people say these things to be encouraging or to try to lift our spirits, or they simply say them because they don’t know what else to say, but sometimes a girl just needs to be able to share her thoughts and hurts without being corrected or shamed for how she feels yanno? So here are some things that people have said that were super encouraging and truly helped me when I was at my darkest, most sad, and what felt like, loneliest time!

“I am so sorry, I’m sure that has got to be so tough! Is there anything I can do?” Now most of the time my answer was “no”. But the fact is, just knowing someone cared and wanted to know if they could help, that meant the world!

“Leti, I am so sorry you’re going through this, do you need to talk? Do you want to go grab a coffee?” YES YES YES!!! Sometimes I just needed to be heard, I needed to just share how I was feeling and feel safe knowing that what I had to say mattered, no matter how dark and twisty, no matter how bad it sounded, or how negative my thoughts were. I wanted to be real and honest and raw with what was going on! That is ultimately what helped me heal, being able to get all that gunk out of my head so that I could move forward to the positive and see clearly why I was doing what I was! And let’s be honest, this girl will NEVER turn down a free iced coffee when offered!

Let me just tell you, when you are pumping yourself full of hormones (no grass-fed Mama here), it is a whirlwind! Your emotions, thoughts, feelings, they are all heightened by an exponential amount! So if you know someone who is on their own journey through infertility, please be sensitive. That Mama in waiting just needs some extra extra EXTRA lovin! 

To The Mama in waiting, I see you, I am you, I’m in it with you, and I’m praying for you!